When life gives you uncertainty…

So, I’ve had quite the challenging couple of months.

I managed to get a new, well-paying job, then upon finishing job training and exiting out of work after the first week, I was struck by an oncoming, speeding vehicle. The crash could have killed me since he hit the driver side door and my car careened all the way into a parking lot where it crashed into a parked car. Since then, I’ve been undergoing physical therapy and had to deal with severe pain in my neck, back, knee, and my left elbow.

I felt like I could recover, then my insurance company basically told me that the accident was my fault since there was no proof the driver was speeding (cases like this need outside witness testimony and nobody was there to witness the other driver crash into me). The police didn’t even do their paperwork right. Despite giving my name, telling them the car was in my father’s name, and giving them my license, they never bothered to listen to my side of the story. I’ve spent the past few months having at least four crying fits, in which I locked my door and shut myself up in my room just crying and been dealing with chronic pain and flashes of pain up until a few weeks ago. I will now be living with neck pain and potentially need to go surgery in the future depending on if it gets worse according to my doctor since they still don’t know yet.

My emotions have basically ranged from dejection, numbness, self-deprecation, and anger over the situation. What I say didn’t matter, my side of the story meant nothing, and the possibility of me almost dying meant nothing to either insurance company, the police, and the laws of society. I don’t even know what else to say, blogging about it feels just as worthless and meaningless. Nobody cares, that’s life. That’s been my life since grade school. That’s the only consistent answer society ever gives. Apathy and complicity to human suffering. A part of me wonders if I should feel ashamed about this, another part of me realizes someone somewhere is going to take this out of context and mock me for it.

Before the accident, I had thought I was weak-willed and would hypocritically think of a higher power if put in a position where my life was on the line. When I was struck by the oncoming car, I only thought of three immediate things: Regretting not being able to finish the other route in a game I was playing, not being able to write a fanfic I had been toying with the idea of, and how I viewed myself as a member of the atheistic branch of Hinduism and believed in certain parts of the Ubermensch philosophy espoused by Nietzsche. After that, I basically thought about how I wouldn’t be able to finish the book criticizing religion, if I died then. Although, a part of me is tired of trying to improve my life and only seeing failures and punishment. I’ve just been passing the time by playing the route of the video game I had yet to totally finish and decided on another playthrough despite there only being two meaningful endings in that game.

I’m not sure how bizarre that sounds . . . at this point, I really feel uncertain about everything and I’m not sure if I’m running away or just trying to figure things out. I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know how to move forward yet.

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